By: Shane Sullivan

 

This Friday A Quiet Place will be released in theaters. The movie is directed by John Krasinksi, and features a family that must survive living amongst a monster(s) that is alerted by sound. From the movie info section of Rotten Tomatoes: “In the modern horror thriller A QUIET PLACE, a family of four must navigate their lives in silence after mysterious creatures that hunt by sound threaten their survival. If they hear you, they hunt you.” As perhaps the biggest monster movie fan on the planet, this is right up my alley and I plan on seeing it within the first week it comes out. It made me think though, what are the most common mistakes characters make in these kind of films and what is the best method for them to survive? Before I continue you’re probably wondering to yourself, “who is this guy and what does he know about surviving monster movies?” A valid question, one that I would answer by saying that in my youth I watched a ridiculous amount of the Sy-Fy channel after school. In those days Sy-Fy seemingly strictly aired these exact kind of movies: a horror film involving a monster. So as you can see based on my credentials this is clearly my field. Let’s get to it with the top 5 ways to survive a horror monster movie.

 

 

1) Remove Yourself From the Situation

 

This might sound counter-productive for the point of the movie, but I have no interest in the point of the movie. My interest is in the preservation of my beloved characters. Ever notice in a horror movie, somewhere early in the film, someone has an idea to do something silly like go to a place that very clearly probably is a death trap. The best example I can think of this is from the movie Alien. You’ve probably seen it, but even if so here’s a quick run down of what I mean. In the film, Sigourney Weaver plays Ripley, and she’s on a spaceship that does mining or something or another it’s not really important. It all takes a turn for the worst when the company they work for tells them to investigate an alien spaceship on an uncharted planet. This is very clearly a terrible idea and because they do it Ripley gets chased by the Alien for three movies (does Alien: Resurrection count?). I digress though, since this is inevitable. Good thing I have four more reasons for when you’re actually facing the monster.

 

 

2) Don’t Be The Guy/Girl That Screams & Than Runs & Dies

 

This person is always the worst and they’re in almost every one of these movies. Do not be this person. If you find yourself panicking, you need to immediately stop because that is the number one sign of your impending doom. I say immediately because they usually meet their end no longer than a few minutes after the breakdown so time is really of the essence. If you can handle not being this character than you at least have serviceable betting odds to make it out alive.

 

 

3) Figure out the Weakness

 

Every monster in every movie has a weakness. I know this also from playing video games so that’s not one but two sources to back up my claim. The only way a monster doesn’t have a weakness is if it’s the devil or some possessed type scenario, and if you find yourself in one of those movies than you’re just fucked to begin with and I can’t help you. Fire is as good a place to start as any, unless the monster has some kind of fire ability in which case I would suggest water. It’s really a case by case basis but just know that a weakness is there…somewhere.

 

 

4) If You Hear Someone Screaming For Help You Have to Consider Not Helping Them

 

The scream for help is a trap 78.9% of the time according to my advanced analytics. The perfect example for this is in Predator, where the Predator can imitate people’s voices. In Predators (the one from 2010), we see this done expertly. Moral of the story, teamwork is essential to surviving horror monster movies, but a desperate scream for help is not worth investigating based on the odds (that are in no way made up).

 

5) Don’t Be The Person That Sacrifices Themselves, Be The Person That Gets Away

 

These past two points might be coming off a little selfish but all is fair in love, war, and monster horror movies. If you’ve seen a lot of these films you know that they tend to follow a similar structure. In the end countless times we’ve seen only two people left, and of those people sacrifices themselves or gets hurt really badly so the other can escape and/or kill the monster. This is heroic and great but really hurts your chances of getting out alive. When making that final plan just make sure to finesse your way into the not sacrificing yourself territory.

 

Bonus Tip: Be Female

 

I take this very seriously so I decided to throw in a bonus tip, and it’s perhaps the most important. If you’re a guy, you will die. I don’t make up the rules that’s just how the universe works. Dogs have better survival instincts in movies than guys. Women on the other hand, seemingly always live (at least one of them). Maybe it’s because women are smarter than men, maybe it’s because men in horror monster movies usually die having sex without being given a chance (that’s another thing, DON’T have sex in a horror monster movie), ultimately I’m not sure. All I know is from my horror monster movie analytics, which tells me that women have a 80% higher chance of surviving than men. Do with that information what you will.

 

Be sure to check next week for some post on A Quiet Place!

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